wait time

I’ve been away, emptying real ink into real journals, but I felt like this belonged here. 

At first it was just a burst of freedom that I didn’t even know I had been wanting. Everything was so new and fast and I lapped it all up voraciously. I felt wanted, as a woman, as a commodity, for the first time and it was empowering. It was empowering to feel desired. I had confidence. I stood up for myself. I got what I wanted. The rush was endless. 

A few months later, the whirlwind has died down. While I never experienced the anger, resentment, or sadness that marks most breakups this time around, a little heartache still seeps in now and then. The feeling of loss comes in bits and pieces, usually in a memory or feeling I’ve forgotten that all of sudden comes flooding back accompanied by a brief tightening of the chest and shortening of breath. I cannot say that I miss the person and I haven’t been lonely enough long enough to quite yearn for it again, but I really do understand why people run back to their old relationships now, imperfect as they may be. When you have reached that level of comfort with someone where there are absolutely no walls left between the two of you, that is something special. It requires a deep emotional and physical connection. Friends and lovers can fulfill one or the other, but precious few can bridge the gap. And the idea that there is no telling when I will feel that way with anyone again, that I may in fact never feel that free with anyone again, is daunting enough to send anyone into a spiral of depression. As for me, I have enough faith that it is not a matter of if, but when and whom. Meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy the journey.

played

I think I must be releasing some kind of pheromone that alerts everyone around me that it’s okay to keep me waiting around for-fucking-ever or, even better, blow me off completely. FUCK.

still following the map

After toting around my Genetics textbook everywhere for the last week, I’ve finally really started reading and studying. It’s going terribly slow as the material is dense and not very interesting to me. I’m trying to push all those negative “why do I need to know this” type questions out of my mind because it does nothing but turn into a spiral of frustration and futility.

At this point, I’m not really sure what I am doing. I’m nearing the end-ish of my undergrad experience (although it doesn’t feel like that since I have yet to really take any classes in my actual major or tentative minor), and my grades are no where near where they need to be and there isn’t much plausible hope that they will get there. I’m still on the path though, maybe only because I don’t know how or when to give up. I Googled “when to give up going to med school” and all it returned was inspirational books and articles about those much less fortunate than I fighting the odds and become selfless physicians. I only need to read some brutal CollegeConfidential forums to know that I probably should’ve given up a while ago.

But the money (oh, so much money) has been shelled out for the MCAT classes and the credit card has already been charged for the test in January. I’m going to take it. And even take it again after that. And I will continue doing research and volunteer and advocate health to my fellow students and all of those other pre-medy things despite the fact that any med school would laugh in my face at one look at my GPA. I guess I’ll graduate in 2010 with a B.S. in Psychobiology and figure it out from there. I just feel like I’m climbing the same mountain with the same map as everyone else, but I don’t have the equipment, or maybe just not enough stamina, to get to the top.

I’ve been considering nursing pretty seriously and use my volunteering hours as an opportunity to see what the nurses really do. One thing I realized is that as a nurse, each promotion leads one further away from actual patient care, which seems rather counterproductive to what I want to do. Agh, I don’t know. I need much much more information on all of this.

Volunteering at the hospital has been a pretty good learning experience so far. This is the first time I have actually gotten to really get a look at how a hospital works.  At first, I was nervous because I had no idea who anybody was and what my actual role was. There didn’t seem like there was much for me to do so I spent all of that downtime worrying that I was underachieving or trying desperately not to fall asleep in my chair. I got so bored I was actually wishing that I was allowed to do homework. By my third shift, I have grown more comfortable with the fact that I just need to sit and stay out of the way unless a nurse or doctor needs me. It has definitely unglamorized the industry for me, but it’s still my industry of choice. It’s interesting hearing about the difficult patients, ones that refused to be changed out of soiled dressings until their pain medication has been upped or ones that would rather invent reasons and conspiracy theories for them to stay in the hospital than go home. I’m excited to see what other departments are like, especially ones dealing with pediatrics or neonatal. While everyone (okay, except for that one cranky secretary with the partially amputated thumb) is very nice, the staff that work with children just seem especially wonderful and joyful. I like people who like children, even if I am not overtly fond of them myself.

happy thanksgiving

Now that Thanksgiving is (almost) over, it’s officially time for Christmas-ness to start. I forgot how lovely the holidays are. 

Woke up early-ish this morning to drive up to the Bay Area from LA. The fog in Tejon Valley was gorgeous. The deciduous trees adorned with fall colors and ranches with white picket fences disappearing into the fog looked like an Ansel Adams photograph. Too bad we whizzed by too fast to take a proper picture. I’m glad Los Angeles is getting some weather. I tire of the constant sun. Cheapens the holidays.

Thanksgiving dinner was at my Aunt Sarah’s house this year. Since Kenny’s family dinner was on Saturday, I convinced him to come with me to mine. It was great seeing my family again and even better since I had someone my own age to talk to. Now that my youngest aunt is engaged and with her fiance all the time, I feel even more isolated. I felt kind of bummed because there wasn’t enough space in the dining room so I (and Kenny) got put on the kiddie table, even though I’m nearly 21. Didn’t help that the kids spilled stuff and my littlest cousin is this shrieking banshee of energy. He’s indefatigable. Also a little sad that the sweet potato buttermilk pie I made came home with me untouched because there were already two pies. I will have to appreciate it on my own. 

It was so cute watching Kenny play with the kids though. Also made my life easier because that meant that I didn’t have to play with them. I don’t exactly dislike kids, but between drinking tea and chatting my aunts and grandmother and trying to keep a preschooler from jabbing plastic planes into my body while he says my butt is really big, I gotta say I prefer the first one. 

When we got home, we came in through the kitchen door and startled a raccoon that was eating my cat’s food. It dashed into my living room and scaled the clock on the chimney and printer trying to look for a way out before running out past us followed by a fellow partner in crime. What an exciting welcome home. Raccoons are pretty cute if they’re not rabid and they’re more scared of you than you are of them. We need to figure out a better way for my cat to come in and out of the house without neighborhood animals following it in. Apparently my brother scared a skunk that was halfway in our cat door and he got sprayed. Gross. 

Unfortunately my allergies are on red alert due to cat dander and guinea pig hay. My urge to play with our pretty calico is dampened by the fact that after a couple months away from home, her mere presence sends my histamines into a frenzy. I blame my father for the inheritance of allergies and freckles.

it’s not over yet

It’s been a long day and I ended up distracting myself on the internet for most of the very little naptime I could afford.

I hate it when I have to get up early and I go to bed thinking I have to fall asleep right away to get the maximum amount of sleep possible, and then I can’t fall asleep. I keep thinking, “Okay, time to fall asleep now” over and over again until suddenly the alarm sounds and I have to be awake again.

This morning was beautiful though. On the rare occassion I get to enjoy a morning before the majority awakes, it’s always lovely. My bedroom window faces east and looks over the gorgeous UCLA campus and even with my terrible myopia, I could appreciate the sun rising through the smoke like one last ember. Seems like LA is always on fire. I like the smell though. It reminds me of the holidays.

The reason I wasn’t waking up at 2pm like I usually do is that today was Training Day for my hospital volunteering internship. I now know why some people say that this program isn’t worth the effort. It’s not that the program is bad, but the application process is a pain in the ass. Orientation, interview, health clearances, background checks, health privacy tutorials, CPR classes. It’s very tedious, especially when most students don’t have a car and rely on the bus to get to the hospital. But today was the last step before we all get to do what we applied to do in the first place, volunteer! Okay, well I still need to get CPR certified, buut they don’t need to know that.

Despite having wanted to be a doctor ever since I learned that zoo keepers had to deal with poop (although there is that in the health profession as well…), this will be my first experience actually working in a hospital, interacting with doctors, nurses, and patients. My first rotation will be in the Medical Surgical department where most of the patients are elderly and/or living with cancer or AIDS. Sounds a little morbid to be excited about meeting terminally ill people, but I am.

Is it weird that whenever Kenny and I talk about ending our relationship, it usually gets revitalized again? I still believe I’m too young to “settle down”, but I’ve decided not to fix what’s not broken. Things are good.

In other news, the lab printer wheelies are squeaky and now it sounds like there’s hundreds of little mice inside the machine working to print out lecture slides and practice midterms. Go mice, go!

let the right one in

It’s good to have some quality movies back in my life. Tonight was a bit of girls’ night out for me and my roommate. I borrowed the car and drove us to Sunset Strip to watch Let the Right One In, a Swedish film depicting the relationship between a bullied boy and a vampire girl he befriends. It’s very slow, very stark, and forces you to watch the awkward, brutal scenes of prepubescent romance and bloodlust carnage. Not a film for everyone, but anyone with the patience to watch it will be readily rewarded with refreshingly different vampire film. This is not Count Dracula.

Speaking of which, I started reading Frankenstein for my English class, and it is nothing like I imagined it to be. My, uneducated, idea of Frankenstein was derived from popular culture: this slow, idiotic, hulking green monster with the requisite flat head, scars, and neckbolts. I expected the book to be one detailing this mad scientist’s experiment, but the actual process of creation and the description of the creature is very minimal. It’s interesting to experience the origin of something so familiar, and distorted.

Kenny bought the Infernal Affairs trilogy and I watched the first one. Besides being a good movie, seeing that many Cantonese guys on the screen at once is a treat. Kenny is slowly breaking down my anti-Asian culture barriers. Anime, Hong Kong movies…what’s next? If I come back from China this winter with drastic highlights spewing Jay Chou lyrics, please stage an intervention.

happy halloween

I probably should’ve known that my method of cooking Chinese-y meals (aka throw everything in the wok and guestimate the rest) has less than satisfactory results when applied to baking. I tried to make chocolate cupcakes with cocoa buttercream frosting but the topping was all together too runny. Baking is especially difficult in a very small kitchen that doesn’t belong to you. I miss my Fremont home with all its baking supplies (though few, better than none) and ample counterspace.

Oh well. I was trying to do something nice for my mentees. At least it’s not a complete failure; everything tastes fine. Maybe my mentees are vegans anyway.

Halloween! I do feel a little guilty buying into the corporate holiday, but at least my costume is used (eco-friendly!) and doesn’t feature major cleavage, booty, or midriff (I’m not a whore!). It was mostly to appease my roommate anyway. We’re going as Batgirl and Robin. Gadzooks!

Even though I don’t particularly like Martha Stewart, I think deep down inside, I wish I could be her. You know, without the white-collar jailtime. A career based on kitschy crafts and elegant occassions? Hell yeah. During my group interview for hospital volunteering, one of the questions was “If there was no healthcare profession, what would you choose for a career?” First of all, how can there be no healthcare field? As long as there’s people alive, there will be healthcare in some form or another. Shamans, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, whatever, it’ll exist. Everyone said something caring and altruistic like social work, but I said “wedding planner”. And then I’ll drag Michelle in to do the planning and finances and Clare can do the stationary stuff. Although, they’re not in healthcare so it doesn’t really affect them whether it exists or not.

I think I originally moved here from LiveJournal to be somewhat more professional or grown-up, but I gave that up a long time ago.

keepin’ busy

How’s life? It’s strange, that’s a question I adopted from a man I used to see almost everyday and nowadays, would put in a good effort to never see again. There are some parts of my life that I like to keep in the past.

As a UCLA student who waived the school’s health insurance, it definitely makes going to the doctor a fair bit more difficult. Since I will be volunteering at a hospital soon (finally), I have to get all my immunizations in check before I can start. For me this means a two-step TB test and another shot of the chickenpox vaccine. Yes, I am a chickenpox virgin. I can’t say I feel like I missed out on much. The TB shot requires 3 separate trips to the hospital. In Fremont, I could’ve just hopped on my bike and been in and out in 15 minutes, but I live in Los Angeles now so everything takes way too much time and way too much money. It was intimidating going into this huge foreign hospital not knowing where to go or what to do and while most of the staff and nurses were very helpful and nice, it definitely took some patience on my part to deal with the ones who were not. Not to mention that Kaiser happens to lose my info every time I go in, causing me to wait a hell of a lot longer than anybody else.

I am definitely not a stellar example of a pre-med student, or any kind of student really, but it upsets me when people complain about having to do grunt work or throwing away opportunities they deem below themselves. I know you want to be a surgeon, but right now you’re just a lowly little physci student just like everybody else. Shut up and do it.

So I am OFFICIALLY signed up for the MCAT on January 30th. Oh god. It’s really happening. I need to start studying again pronto. Unless I do exceptionally well, I pretty much plan on taking it twice. Auuugh.

I’m getting excited about Winter Break. Usually I’m not too keen on going to Asia, but this time around it’s going to be more low-key (read: no mountains! no hiking!) and hanging out with my dad in Shanghai and visiting Hong Kong and seeing Kenny there. Maybe it’ll ease some of my anti-China feelings.

dulce et decorum est

Maybe it’s the English Breakfast tea latte kicking in at near three in the morning, maybe it’s because no one has ever suggested it to me before now. I wrote a little poem for myself.

I wrote at the top of the page:
“Poetry Attempt.
try not to laugh too hard”

Whenever I’m writing for no one, I’m always addressing some one. I haven’t really figured out who that person is supposed to be. And now I’m not sure what to do with the “poem” I wrote. Seems sad to throw it away, but I don’t want anybody to read it, ever. I will probably hide it somewhere and it’ll just be another one of those things I flip back to and cringe at before putting away again.

It feels good to have a little secret.

phase and eclipse

Something has been on my mind recently. It’s more of a feeling, a memory, more than anything else. It just keeps replaying over and over in my head. It’s distracting, but not entirely unpleasant. It’s like a mosquito bump: I know it will go away if I just leave it alone, but it feels so good to rub and scratch it over and over until the inflamed flesh breaks.

I need a more variant sentence structure. All my thoughts are in the form of “So this and this, but that and there.” So boring.

My supervisor came in to check on me and asked me what I did this weekend. I never have a good answer for these questions. “Just chilled.” What DID I do this weekend. I wake up, I sleep, I play video games, eat, watch stuff, put together puzzles. It’s a sentinent life. Albeit, a rather enjoyable one. I think I am just feeling restless. I haven’t been to the gym or going out and I can feel a tantrum building up. Unfortunately, it’s Sunday night so no real adventure is going to happening for at least another couple days. Maybe I will get off my fatass and exercise for once.

I think this is going to be the first halloween I dress up for since…elementary school, I think. I almost dress up for it in 8th grade, but I got a D on Mr. Rick’s test and was too depressed to go out. Halloween shopping would be a lot more fun if I actually had $60 to drop on a costume that I will probably never wear again. Or if I had the talent, time, and tanacity to make my own. I think I’m going to be dressing up about 3 times between now and Hallow’s Eve, mostly to appease my dear roommate. I can’t say it’s not a little fun.

I spent the afternoon doing a group interview for a clinical volunteering program at Santa Monica Hospital. The group interview is definitely different than the individual interviews I’ve done in the past. I like that I get to see and hear what my peers have to say and get a feel for the applicant pool. It’s also much less pressure. I’m not sure I would prefer it though. At one point everyone started talking about foster homes and I just sat there quietly, thinking about my perfect little family. About half of us ended up on the same bus back to UCLA and I befriended one of my fellow interviewees. She said I did well, but who can tell really.