swallowed in the sea

I was going to blog about happiness since that’s what we’ve been discussing in Psych 10, but I’m not in the mood seeing as I just found out I failed my last midterm. Insert failure rant. 

I also fell asleep during the psychology research experiment I was participating in. Hope I didn’t ruin the researcher’s results. 

At least it’s Friday and it’s my last day at the radiology internship. I’m glad that it’s over. I did learn quite a bit though, when I think about it. I learned how hospital exam scheduling works and just administration side of things. Also learned that I definitely don’t want to work on this end of the health field. I don’t think I can deal with desk job. I don’t know how my mom does it, 9-5 everyday in a (messy) cubicle. I would go insane. 

I was thinking about alternative jobs that other day, upon realizing that I can’t stand a desk job, and I couldn’t really think of anything I’d be interested in/qualified for besides physician/nurse. I mean, I definitely enjoy reading things about design, fashion, and cosmetics, but I don’t see a career in that. I’m a psychobio major who doesn’t like writing. Maybe I’ll fulfill my father’s dream of my becoming some kind of painter/potter/glassblower and then he’ll manage my shop for me. Yeah, psychobio doesn’t quite apply to that either. 

My thumb is callused from playing Soul Caliber 4.

want

Still reeling from the monstrosity that is my credit card statement, I have been trying my best to limit spending. But with Kenny in his new apartment and my own impending move into a new, more spacious dorm, my instincts to nest/decorate are very high.

With some careful arranging, my roommate and I should be able to fit some kind of lounging chair in our residence. My search for this luxury is limited by space issues (sofa is too big), aesthetic values (wicker makes me wince), price (alas, poor college student), and, most of all, relaxibility. I have my eye on the Urban Outfitters Dish Chair. Fits all the criteria, except that it retails for $125, which is not much for furniture in general, but considering it’s just an extremely comfortable cushion on a simple frame, doesn’t seem worth it. I found it on Facebook for $50, only to find out it had been sold already. Heart crusher. Take off the damn post if you sold it already.

Besides furniture, I’ve been having a serious craving for posters and prints. Check out strawberryluna and The Small Stakes for some gorgeous music posters. Of course every Death Cab for Cutie poster is sold out. I’m considering one of the many beautiful Stars prints. It would be lovely to get the entire series, which includes various silhouettes of old fashioned keys and keyholes.

In other news, I’m starting to feel an attraction towards vinyl toys. How dangerous. I am abating this by printing, cutting, and folding paper versions from Readymech and Cubeecraft. Check it out, it’s free and fun.

Why, yes, this is the first post I’ve ever made with pictures. </gasp>

fixed action sequence

I am annoyed because I accidentally deleted the folder in my Bloglines containing all of the design blogs I subscribe to. I wanted to see if I could just delete the folder but not any of the feeds inside it, but that backfired. Isn’t the CANCEL button usually the blue one? Ugh, the dangers of color coded worlds. The frustrating part is that I know that I had 9 feeds in there but I can only remember 6 of them.

Had my second midterm on Friday for molecular bio. Definitely should’ve studied transcription more. Here’s hoping for a generous curve. After the test, I treated myself to Naked Juice and a copy of The New Yorker, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, but now regret spending money on. I already spend way too much money on magazine subscriptions, albeit none of them are as intelligent as The New Yorker. To be fair, it was the style issue. God forbid I read anything about current events or politics. I love reading articles about Marc Jacobs.

Labor day weekend! This would’ve been the perfect weekend to go out since both my classes are at a lull, I don’t have to work, and it’s a long weekend. Unfortunately, the bulk of my friends (and sole source of non-bus transportation) are busy moving into their shiny new apartment. Besides, going out requires money, which I don’t have. So, I will spend the weekend trying to convince myself to study and living vicariously through my friends as I give sound, unwanted advice about what kind of furniture they should buy and where to put it.

cosmetics are easier to buy

Wendy: Peter Pan! Oh, Peter, I knew you’d come back! I saved your shadow for you. Oh I do hope it isn’t rumpled. You know, you look exactly the way I thought you would. Oh, a litter taller perhaps. But then… (laughing) You can’t stick it on with soap, Peter. It needs sewing. That’s the proper way to do it. Although, come to think of it, I’ve never thought about it before. Sewing shadows, I mean. Of course, I knew it was your shadow the minute I saw it. And I said to myself, “I’ll put it away for him until he comes back. He’s sure to come back”. And you did, didn’t you, Peter? After all, one can’t leave his shadow lying about… and not miss it sooner or later, don’t you agree? But what I still don’t understand is how Nana got it in the first place. She really isn’t… Oh, sit down. It won’t take long. She really isn’t vicious, you know. She’s a wonderful nurse, although father says—

Peter Pan: Girls talk too much.

Wendy: (laughing) Yes, girls talk too— Hmmm? Oh.

I’ve been notified I talk to much. I tried to let it not hurt me too much. Why didn’t I get any of my father’s good traits? I inherited fondness of material things and sporadic overspending, factualization of opinion, and  verbousness. I didn’t get the studiousness. I guess I can thank him for being tall. My mother is of average height, though she seems much bigger due to beastliness of personality.

I’m not going to be sorry for “talking too much during movies” though. Because it’s great fun, at least when I’m with people who also like providing a running commentary of whatever cinematic feature we’re watching. I mean, how can you enjoy a bad movie except by actively tearing it to shreds? I didn’t talk during The Dark Knight or Gladiator, those are movies worthy of my silence. But how can you get mad at me for belittling Never Back Down? Whatever I was saying was way better than whatever the Tom Cruise look-a-like regurgitated.

I am really enjoying the material for my psychology class. I can’t say the class itself is very interesting. It pretty much consists of group presentations and powerpoint slides. But I always enjoy going to the library and doing the reading assignments (I have to go to the library because USPS has misplaced my textbooks) because not only are they interesting, but, dare I say it?, they make me think. It’s like when I learned about the Doppler Effect. These things are so common in everyday life, yet I never stopped to think about why or how it is.

UAG, UAA, UGA

Forgot to update that I was ultimately rejected from EMRA. While they “highly encourage re-applicants”, I will not be trying for the third time because I have nothing else to give. I did my best. Maybe in a year, if I’ve gained some more clinical experience and have raised my GPA. Let’s all hope so.

This is going to be a busy week. I have a paper due on Thursday, a microbiology midterm on Friday, and a presentation next Tuesday. It wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that most of my team members will be gone for the long weekend leaving us very little time to work on our presentation.

I have a very absorbent personality, at least towards things I like. If I spend time with someone, I will find myself adopting their gestures, phrases, syntax. This is extended further into books, movies, and, sometimes, tv shows. I will find myself mired in the emotions of the characters, regardless of whether or not I am actually having a good day. I like to think that it is just natural empathy, adjusting to the situation.

We watched In Bruges last night and I am delighted to say that it was far more entertaining than I was expecting. The trailers didn’t do it justice. Very dry, very funny, in a way that would only work out with Europeans. The movie wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes if it were set in American. We are far too brash.

so familiar a gleam

Took a “nap” around 5:30pm and I just woke up. Sadly, this does not affect my life whatsoever. Part of me kinda feels like going out (whatever that may be) and then I’m thinking, what better way to spend Friday night than in my sweats watching Sleeping Beauty online? I find that as long as you’re not feeling lonely, time alone is very relaxing. Tomorrow? Maybe I’ll take the bus somewhere and study.

I’ve determined that one of my life goals is to own the Disney animated collection on DVD. This is going to take some serious investment on my part though. Especially since Disney created this evil thing called the Vault which drives the prices of movies like Beauty and the Beast upwards of $45 on eBay. I think I’ll settle for downloading the collection off of a torrent.

It’s always interesting to go back and watch a Disney movie that I haven’t seen in over a decade. Usually it’s still very enjoyable and surprisingly empty. Well, empty isn’t the right word. Simple. I mean, yes, they’re kids movies, but compared to the Pixar films of today, movies like 101 Dalmations was extremely streamlined. But I think over the years, all kinds of movies have roided up, including children’s films. We’re being spoiled with action.  I should watch some more Audrey Hepburn films.

As I’m sitting courtside to my friend’s re-entry into the world of dating, I can’t help but be a little jealous. There’s nothing as exciting as the new-boy feeling. Then again, I wouldn’t trade the stability and security for the heartswooning since with it comes an immense amount of worrying. Besides, long-term relationships have their own heartskipping moments, whether I like it or not.

prose poetry

I am not a person who can happily idle for long periods of time. I can, and do, easily waste hours away, but months at a time of non-activity will literally bore me to tears. So, I’ve learned to fill my summers with work and education, which lead me to become a receptionist for a local beauty spa and befriend the quirky boss who has the exact same name as my boyfriend.

He continued talking to me on AIM after I went back to UCLA and I didn’t think much of it. I still thought of him as my old boss. He said we were friends, but he says a lot of shit, so I didn’t really put much faith into it. I think it’s because I thought we were friends earlier and then he pissed me off somehow and I blamed myself for ever thinking we were really friends. He’s like 9 years older than me, I must be like a child. But, after tonight, I think we really are friends. Interesting how certain events can totally shift your relationship dynamic.

I’m also starting to realize how very different people think. I mean, obviously people think about different things than I do, but I never comprehended the uniqueness of individual minds. Just the way they interpret things. I guess it was a bit selfish to think that everyone thought the way I did.

I spent the night chatting with former-boss-new-friend about his (non)relationship and deciphering a poem his (non)lover wrote him. Ah, poetry. It amazes me. The only poem ever written about me was one of hatred budding from unrequited love. In some macabre way, it made me really happy. I kinda wish it was still around. Anyways, poetry is admirable, but relationships are hard enough when people write in normal English.

It was refreshing to think and talk about someone else’s life for once.

Conceptual Fuck

New phrase I learned today from the lovely I Love Dick. I’ve only read 4 pages so far. Reminds me of White Oleander; maybe all books set in Los Angeles have to have that devestatingly empty feel.

As my MCAT test date creeps closer, I’m starting see the tip of the iceberg and fathom what lies beneath. I’m afraid to think too much about it, fearing that it will crush me irrepairably into a puddle of defeat. Need to buy the MSAR book. Amazon.com hails it as the Bible of medical school applications.

I find it strange when people ask me what kind of doctor I want to be. I usually look at them bewilderedly. Am I supposed to know this already? How can I know what kind of doctor I want to be when I don’t know anything about it yet? There’s all kinds of doctors that I might want to be that I haven’t even heard of. I think I’m waiting until medschool to find out about them. I do have some criteria. I want to work in close contact with people, unless they are children. No surgeon. Uhhh, that’s about all I’ve figured out for now. Oncology, AIDS, urology, who knows. At this point, it is of no concern to me.

I think I really upset Kenny for the first time today. I don’t mean that I’ve never done anything that pissed him off. But, today was different. I think my words hit something very fundamental. It was a little scary, and also made me very curious. I fight the urge to dig and needle because I have hurt him enough already.

“work, stress, insominia & my lover leaving me”

I took a little vacation to the library during my between-class break today. I say vacation because it’s just so soothing to be inside Powell. Always dim and cool inside, red tiles lining the floor and staircase until you reach the grand windows and beautiful tangram ceiling. And the books. You can’t feel it on the main floor because the rotunda provides so much space. But when you descend into the stacks, you can smell all the books. I just like walking through and touching the spines, reading the faded titles. I didn’t find what I was looking for (Lolita, Slaughterhouse Five, or anything by Willa Cather). I left with two short graphic pieces and a book called I Love Dick.

When I left the library, I had this vision of just covering the floor with old books and flinging myself over them. I think it would feel good to be in such physical contact with so much knowledge.

I haven’t read many graphic novels, mostly because I’m really picky about the art style (the old school comic book look really doesn’t do it for me). I definitely prefer something with much more flow and space. I fell in love with Craig Thompson’s Blankets and was delighted to find another work of his at the library today. This one is a chronicle of his adventures in Europe and Morocco after the success of Blankets. It’s very interesting because it’s very casual, really no more than a journal, so it feels as if he’s just an old friend telling you stories through his pictures and words. Which is the best feeling to get from any kind of book. I remember Middlesex being like that. Lyrical.

An excerpt:

In the basement, I was overwhelmed by gorgeous Bandoin (my favorite French cartoonist) originals. His brush lines are bold, then delicate, always confident, and his women are beautiful. Valery says he prefers drawings of women to photos, because photographs can be insincere/intrusive — they steal an image, while a drawing is an active interaction and interpretation, you can look at a Bandoin drawing and know he cares for the girl. “the drawings don’t lie,” Valery says
-Carnet de Voyage, Craig Thompson

I never thought of drawing to be more truthful than photographs. But it makes sense.

I was also surprised by how popular he is in Europe. I always kinda felt like Blankets was just this little gem I kept to myself. I think I will purchase a copy of it soon. And while I’m enjoying Carnet de Voyage very much, I don’t think I will ever buy it. It seems too private to own.

keep calm and carry on

This is becoming more of a relationship blog than a life blog but whatever. You don’t have to read it!

Had a little fight via AIM/text/phone this evening. Basically came down to why-don’t-you-think-I’m-as-awesome-as-everybody-else-does-when-I-think-you’re-more-awesome-than-everybody-else-does. I think it comes to some fundamental differences in thinking. I can’t imagine someone who dislikes so much of me to still love me so I think he’s lying, when he’s not. Not that that isn’t a problem in itself, but at least not in the way I feel that it is. And then there was the “I wish had met you later in my life because I want to sleep with more women first” (paraphrased), which is like….very sweet but also very uh, I’m-going-to-cheat-on-you-maybe-esque. Okay, enough with the hyphens.

Things are okay now. All I can think about is that we need to stay together until after Winter Break because we’re going to Hong Kong and it’s going to be awkward if we break up. Haha. Just kidding, sort of.